Quotations from the Internet that originally appeared on my front page around 1999 hence references to millennium bug. Most of these appeared in various Acorn Computer newsgroups or perhaps Demon Internet groups as they were my ISP for my first internet dialup connection.



From various newsgroups.

"Microsoft will finally make a product that doesn't suck when they start manufacturing vacuum cleaners" Bumper Sticker - author unknown.
Re Millennium bug
Microsoft announced earlier today that the official release date for the new operating system "Windows 2000" will be delayed until the second quarter of 1901.

More on the y2k bug
>(oh and thinking that "I'm alright jack 'cos I've got an Acorn" is
>rather naive ... how useful is any computer without power?)

Steve, you're a genius!

"Stuart Tyrrell Developments are pleased to announce a new line in
petrol powered generators. Each comes supplied with inflatable
petrol-resistant swimming pool (you don't expect the pumps at the
local Texasco to be working on Jan 1st do you?). The first 100 orders
come with a free box of matches to help create that 'campfire' feeling
and keep the cold winter's morning away" ;-)


>I suggest he takes a swim in the cooling tank at Sellafield...

Ha ha! That made me think of Jasper Carrot's joke: "The nuclear industry is well known for talking bollocks.... and other nasty side effects".



>>I'm looking for a cheap or free early Acorn Archimedes(3xx-4xx) in North
>>America or Austrailia. I'm located in Hawaii and those seem to be the best
>>places to try get one from. If you have one that you wouldn't mind selling
>>for a reasonable price, or know someone who does please email me.

I've got several old A3xx/4xx you can have for FREE - just pay my
plane fare and I'll bring them in person. ;-)



>>I am struggling to teach basic DTP at an evening class (for
>>RSA C.L.A.I.T.) using Word 6. It's absolutely *diabolical*!

>>As a friend at school pointed out, they don't normally give the
>>word "And" it's own capital in acronyms.. (g)

..and the Tutor's Resource Book calls it COMPUTER LITERACY and INFORMATION
TECHNOLOGY. I wonder how long it took them to notice the problem?



>>Errmmm!!! Fitting a Peny2 on a PCI card? Have you seen the size of the bloody
>>things?

Yes.

"The Intel Housebrick" or "The Pentium StorageHeater" would have been a better name than "The Pentium Two".

Free the Pentium Two!!!! ;-)



My favourite is the difference between a Skoda and a sheep, being that it is marginally less embarrassing being seen getting out the back of a Skoda.


>>Bonjour,
>>
>>Je cherche d'urgence deux PlayStation d'occas ou bas prix
>>
>>pas besoin de facture

Pardon? Non parlez Francais here mom ami. C'est Angletereish!

Sur le pont D'Avingnon et all that bolleaux.

(I knew these language skills would come in handy one day)

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>>Er, Stuart - what have you done with Richard's tab characters?

Help! They've been stolen!
Call the TAB Police. Dial [09] [09] [09] ;-)


>>2. Also on the PC, scrolling the page down is really smooth with no
>>jerkiness like what I am used to on my A5000. Have the jerks gone on
>>an SA?
>>
>>Oh yes. :-)
I resent that remark! :-)


>GivenAnyChoiceOfWhatYouWantToSpillOverYourKeyboard,TryToStick
>ToBeer.MyKeyboardHasBeenSoakedInBeer3Times,ButAfterAThorough
>Cleaning,ItWorksAsWellAsItAlwaysHas.
>
>AppartFromTheSpaceKey,ThatIs...


>>In the 18 months or so I've been using Demon I can count the number of
>>problems I've had with them on the fingers of one hand.
>
>Run for your lives! It's THE MUTANT!!!!

You should see me type!

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>>Where's the best place to get bootleg playstation games?

From one of these pir8 type chappies. Your best bet is a chap called
George who distributes games in the men's toilets on Waterloo station on
Saturday evenings. When you see a man enter with a holdall, approach him
and identify yourself as a customer with the secret code "fancy a bit of
fun in cubicle three?"



>Come a bit further West and you'll see vans operated by 'Acorn Windows'

If they don't hurry up with the RiscPCII it'll be "Acorn Antiques" :-)



>Now there's a thought. You've just provided GG with a perfect defence
>since 'the trail of evidence is contaminated'.

>Anyone could have introduced additional/alternative pictures or data
>without his knowledge. The fact that they were even looking at the disc
>raises room for doubt.

But no court would believe that PC World staff would know how to fiddle
the dates on the files, or hook up a Zip drive properly. ;-)



(To be sung to the tune of "When I'm Cleaning Windows")

I bought a new computer,
It cost two thousand pound;
But every time I switch it on
I keeps on falling down.

I used to think it was my friend
Now it drives me round the bend;
You'd be surprised the time I spend
Reinstalling Windows.

I switch it on; what is this?
Something wrong with config.sys;
This isn't my idea of bliss,
Reinstalling Windows.

I want to share my printers and
I want to share my files,
I want to share my anger 'cos
It drives me bloomin' wild.

Load disk four, oh what fun!
It says it helps you get things done;
Every day now everyone's
Reinstalling Windows.

Load disk ten; it will say
All you do is plug and play
Why do I spend every day
Reinstalling Windows?

It can't find my printer
It can't locate my mouse;
The other day it told me that
They were in some other house.

Still unplugged, still unplayed,
E-mailed God in search of aid
He's far too busy I'm afraid
Reinstalling Windows.

Up at dawn for one more try;
Does it work? Can pigs fly?
How do I expect to die?
Reinstalling Windows.

It doesn't like my modem and
Detests all CD-ROMs;
let's see if the setup wizard
Recognizes bombs.

I used to like a drink or three;
No time now, don't call for me;
I'm going to spend eternity
Reinstalling Windows.

- Author unknown

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>>>>Has anyone got a copy of !Neko they could send me? I remember having it
>>>>on a disc *somewhere* but I can't find it now. It's a little white cat
>>>>which chases the pointer...
>>>
>>>Make sure that you use the little program that changes the pointer
>>>into machine gun sights as well...
>>
>>You are -not- intending to shoot Neko, I hope!!!
>Yes!!!

Philistine!

>I hate cats!
>
>We can't all be purrrfect!


But some of us are more so than others :)



I just happened to notice the new "Acorn" promotional merchandise - polo
shirt, a pair of mugs and a pen. The product codes for these are TAT001,
TAT002, TAT003.

Very funny.



>However if ZIP-drives are becoming increasingly popular they might
>eventually replace the Floppy drives (as is happening in some PC's).

Hah! That'll be a challenge for the Acorn magazines. Fill two of those
every month :-)



>Messenger has to be the best email client available for RISC OS - even
>though it doesn't support MINE :(

BOOM! ;-) (last word)



For those of you who won't have seen it a short piece from ..... New
Scientist Feedback section (edited).

A reader reports that when checking an outgoing e-mail using the spell
checker in MSMail 3.2, the said spellchecker, faced with "Pentium", did not
recognise the much hyped processor. Instead it offered the alternative of
"penis".



>>Pineapple juice will remove Araldite up to 3 months from the time of
>>mixing the resin and hardener.
>
>I am trying hard to imagine the circumstances in which anyone discovered
>this useful fact ;)
>
Blind panic perhaps :) - I've heard that Coco Cola does a similar job
with Araldite! but the pineapple juice is a bit worrying - They 'glue'
motorway bridges together with Araldite so don't throw those 'empty'
pineapple juice or coke cans out of the car window :)

On the same subject
>Soaking in Coke over night does wonders for rus[t]y nuts and bolts. Perhaps
>this may work for you.

But I don't have rusty nuts! ;-))

name removed

P.S. And if I did (not that I have, you understand, but say I had a "friend" who did), I think I'd seek medical advice! Soaking them in Coke, indeed!

Still on the same subject
>Ha! I thought Coke contained a tincture of phosphoric acid, that well
>known de-rusting agent?
>
Phosphoric acid? Phew! I think I'd rather have rusty nuts.
Which I don't have actually. :-)


From sig files on mainly Acorn/Demon newsgroups.

Pooh looked at his two paws. He knew that one of them was the right, and he knew that when you had decided which one of them was the right, then the other was the left, but he never could remember how to begin.

recursion (n). See "recursion"

If God hadn't intended us to eat animals, He wouldn't have made them out of MEAT! -- John Cleese

... 'Daddy, what does Format C: mean?'

If French nuclear bombs are so safe why don't they test them on Montreal
- really might save us all some trouble

"If you want something done properly, kill Baldrick first" -- Edmund Blackadder.

"Bother", said Pooh, as he fell into the nitric acid bath

"Warning: Do not look into laser with remaining eye."

Support Your Local Search & Rescue Team - Get Lost!

... Shin - Device for finding furniture in the dark.

... God created a perfect world - then came DOS

Hiroshima '45, Chernobyl '86, Windows '95.

Windoze 95 "Plug and Play" more like Plug and PRAY..

To err is human, To forgive is not Air Force Policy. -- Anon, ETPS

... "Bother", said Pooh, as he sunk his twelfth Guinness


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