From memory Boyfriend 5 appeared on Ford ST Owners Club forums and as I remembered reading similar Girlfriend related funnies I Googled the subject and came up with the others.



I was not sure what order to put these in and in the end decided that whatever order I would be wrong so .....

Computer Program Boyfriend 5.0

Mon, 11 Sep 2006 12:50:54
Dear Tech Support

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 .and noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5. And then installed undesirable programs such as UEFA 24/7, Premiership League 365, WorldCup 2006, Snooker LIVE and Cricket All-in-1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3(BETA) to fix these problems, to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate
=========

Reply from the Technical Support:

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Try to enter the command: "C:/ITHOUGHTYOULOVEDME" to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0.

If that application works as designed Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. BUT remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.

WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly.

CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,

Tech Support

Girlfriend

31/12/2006
Review of SoftMate's Girlfriend Program

This month we have decided to review the different versions of the Girlfriend application from SoftMate. This series has been a non-stop parade of conflicting versions and illegal hacks. We hope to dispel at least some of the confusion here.

Acquaintance 1.31 (Mother of all girlfriends) - This was SoftMate's first application. It was a bare-bones program which was very fast but limited. It provided a friendly, if somewhat aloof, interface which made the user feel comfortable in most cases. It was easy to use, never crashed and generally could be trusted in all situations. The only real drawback was that it had no sex module. This became a real problem with long term and heavy use.

Girlfriend .90b (Beta) - The problems started here as this was not really the Girlfriend series. It was a dismal attempt to port the much acclaimed Acquaintance 1.31 to a multi-threaded environment which would not work properly because the newly written sex module had not been thoroughly tested. The entire beta for the Girlfriend series lasted all of two months and the whole SoftMate series was unstable and suffered from inadequate testing. The beta for Girlfriend had very basic features. It was functional but virtually demanded an upgrade to a more stable version because of the embedded Acquaintance code. The beta was scrapped and an entirely new Girlfriend was created so that it would perform to spec.

Girlfriend 1.0a (Stable) - The first in the current SoftMate family. Some serious design flaws were evident from the beginning because of the addition of Artificial Intelligence. The algorithms used were too vague giving the program some unpredictable characteristics. The sex module worked extremely well, though, and Girlfriend always performed this task reliably. This one feature alone has made this the best selling and least upgraded version. There are occasional crashes especially if all old Acquaintance files are not properly removed or at least marked "hidden".

Girlfriend 1.61c (Upgrade) - Girlfriend matures quite a bit in this release. The interface is slick and pretty. This is also the release which began to incorporate a proprietary file system that eventually locks you into the entire SoftMate series including forced upgrades which become more and more expensive. At this point you will notice an impact of your system resources as Girlfriend becomes more costly to operate. The sex module is very stable but prone to just "chug along" instead of the more dynamic access in version 1.0 Because of the wholesale code changes, a complete un-install package is included which will get rid of Girlfriend forever without adversely affecting cache, resources or other objects.

Girlfriend 2.0 (Fix Release) - This release fixes annoying bugs, but is definitely slower and much more demanding of both time and resources. Version 2 also starts converting all structures into the newer Fiancée/Wife format to ensure a smooth transition. You are hopelessly mired in the product at this point and getting out could be expensive. A Gold or Silver upgrade is required within a defined time period. The sex module is a little erratic and temperamental. One note: If you try to install Girlfriend 2.0 with any previous versions still installed, they will conflict and trash the entire operating system. The new system requirements are very stringent because this version is "object oriented" and all hardware must have gold or platinum contacts.

Fiancée 1.0 (Standard Edition) - Fiancée 1.0 represents a breathing period in the life of this product. It is a stabilization revision with few changes other than that you are now locked in and all of your system assets are tied up in this application. It is a time based version and must be upgraded by a certain date. Failure to do this can cause you severe hardship and force you to start all over by re-installing a brand new Acquaintance. The performance of the sex module is about the same but sometimes refuses to run unless you first clean out the Task List.

Wife 2.0 (Gold Edition) - There is no Wife 1.0 because Girlfriend and Fiancée have become so advanced that Wife has jumped ahead by one full revision. There is also only one version of Wife but the add-ons are copious and varied. There is a "To Do List" which never lets you forget. There is also a "kitchen pass" feature which allows you to leave while Wife is running as long as you are back by the time you've entered into the job queue. The biggest headache with Wife is that you cannot change any of the config files. Wife is responsible for that and changes them without letting you know. The second area of recurring problems is in the sex module. It will sometimes quit working for days or weeks if you don't handle the rest of the program with great care. In some cases, it ceases to work almost permanently and you are forced into an expensive add-on: Mistress 1.0 Because Mistress is an add-on, it requires Wife to run. This is very dangerous because both Wife and Mistress use the same resources so Mistress files must be "hidden". If Wife discovers and conflicts with Mistress, Wife deletes all Microsoft Money and Quicken files before un-installing itself. All daemons spawned by Wife will disappear while still chewing up system resources. The upgrade to turn Mistress into Girlfriend will then refuse to work giving you a "lack of resources" error message. You are basically screwed. At this point not even Acquaintance will re-install because the hidden files from Mistress will be all over your hard drive and all programs will know about them. You might as well Fdisk and Format your hard drive. Hopefully you've learned your lesson and you will either stick to Girlfriend or permanently write-protect your hard drive before you end up on the soup-line.

The following constitutes all currently known hacks and unauthorized versions of SoftMate products.

Girlfriend 1.0s (Shareware) - Released mainly for testing the multi-user interface. Feel free to pass this version around, but don't buy it as it is not intended for long term use and is generally more suitable for entertainment purposes. This version tends to run poorly during the week but screams on the weekends.

GirlfriendG (Known as "Groupie") - It is not known for sure if this is a hack or just a corrupt version but it is loosely based on Girlfriend 1.0a The main difference is that this version allows any sports or music application to embed itself into the exposed objects of Girlfriend. Use of this version has the potential for a lawsuit.

GirlfriendDNA - (a.k.a. "FertileFriend") - A particularly nasty hack of 1.61c which runs only on machines with poor security. This version is capable of spawning little daemons at will which require a complete upgrade to Wife (bypassing all versions of Fiancée) to avoid legal action. The only other alternative is to completely rebuild the operating system with a new computer name and physically house it in a new and undisclosed location.

GirlfriendH ("Hooker" version) - This version is for people with old or problem machines and people who know nothing at all about Girlfriend. Price varies depending on the features wanted and you pay a "per use" fee by dialling a 900 number and entering an access code before each session. It will generally run on anything out there. Sometimes you will pay for this hack only to find that it disappears almost as soon as you start the program leaving your business unfinished. It takes prompt action to catch it before it is completely deleted. If that happens you cannot call for help because you had an illegal copy and could be prosecuted. Viruses run rampant in this version.

GirlfriendUA (a.k.a "JailBait") The source-code for this version is owned by another distributor and has not yet been released for Beta testing. If you are detected using this software criminal prosecution is almost certain. All I know about this release is what I have read in the distributor's pre-release literature.

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Upgrading to Wife 1.0

31/12/2006
Last year a friend of mine upgraded from Girlfriend 4.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving few system resources for other applications. He is also now noticing the Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child-processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomenon was included in the product documentation, though other users have informed me that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.

Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself so that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. Some applications such as PokerNite 10.3 , Bachelor Party 2.5, and Pubnite 7.0 are no longer able to run on the system at all, causing the system to lockup when launched (even though the apps worked fine before).

Wife 1.0 provides no installation options. Thus, the installation of undesired plug-ins such as Mother-in-law 55.8 and the Brother-in-law Beta is unavoidable. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

Some features my friend would like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:

I myself wish I had decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 3.0 Even here, however, I have found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 4.0 on top of girlfriend 3.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 3.0 first, otherwise the two versions of Girlfriend will have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. Other users have told me that this is a long-standing problem that I should have been aware of. Guess that explains what happened to versions 1 and 2.

To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 3.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another identified problem is that all versions of Girlfriend have annoying little messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0!

VIRUS ALERT

All users should be aware that Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Once that happens, Mistress 1.1 won't install and you will get an "insufficient resources" error message. To avoid the aforementioned bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and " never" run any file transfer applications(such as Laplink) between the two systems.

FYI: Don't even think about a shared directory!!!!!!!!!

Male Friend Needs Technical Support

31/12/2006
Sequel to Upgrading to Wife 1.0.

Can you please advise me. I'm having some problems. I'm currently running the latest version of Girlfriend and I've been having some problems lately.

I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 all along as my primary application, and all the girlfriend releases have always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if you run girlfriend in background mode with the sound turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay. Girlfriend also seems to have a problem coexisting with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with girlfriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance with GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said that I probably didn't have enough cache to run girlfriend 2.0, and that eventually it would require a Token ring to run properly. He was right --- as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself. Shortly after that, I installed girlfriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it gave me a virus. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while.

I very cautiously upgraded to girlfriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system! Then I tried to run GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature that I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of girlfriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions! The version I have right now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of girlfriend, it is written in some obscure language that I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly, I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented".

A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did. But soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a "huge resource hog". It has taken up all of his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons that he upgraded to Wife 1.0 is that it came bundled with FreeSexPlus 1.0. Well, it turns out that the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreesexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although -he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw 1.0 which has an automatic pop-up feature that he can't turn off. I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said that he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself, Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway due to insufficient resources.

Can you help??

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Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0

31/12/2006
Request for Technical Support, Incident #99-02-14-01

Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0, and I can find no documentation on several features.

For example, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as RunAnywhere 10.3 and StayOut 2.5 cause freezes.

Also, the new program has spawned a couple of unexpected child processes that have taken up a lot of space and resources.

I was considering going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but there does not seem to be a "revert to previous state" feature.

Can you help me?

Registered User #10-1-13-5-19

========================================

Response to User #10-1-13-5-19, Incident #99-02-14-01

We receive many inquiries to this perceived problem. However it is almost always the result of a common error.

Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a Utilities & Entertainment program.

This is a serious misconception.

Although Wife 1.0 includes many Utilities and Entertainment functions, Wife 1.0 is actually an entire Operating System. It has been designed to run everything.

Warning! Do not try to: un-install, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. Trying to un-install Wife 1.0 can be disastrous, resulting in the loss of valuable system resources.

You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0. Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.

Many have tried "workarounds". These only complicate the situation.

For example, some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 and found the problems persist.

Others, in an ill conceived attempt, have tried to run Girlfriend 2.0 in the background while Wife 1.0 is running. This almost always results in serious system conflicts, possibly leading to a non-recoverable system crash.

We recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and adjust a few user input parameters.

I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). Should a GPF occur, the best course of action will be to push the Apologize Button then Reset Button as soon as lock-up occurs.

The system will run smooth as long as you provide needed maintenance time.

To free up CPU time and improve performance be certain that you have terminated your several search and scan routines.

Because each copy of Wife 1.0 is a uniquely configured system, no single manual will cover all enabled features.

New users should first consult with those who have been running Wife 1.0 for many years before installing a copy yourself. You should consider joining one of our established local users group to discuss your specific configuration.

Remember, the installation of Wife 1.0 can allow maximum system potential, particularly when used with supplementary applications. For example, killer apps Contentment 2.5 and Reliability 6.12a have been known to max out when run with TLC 2 and Communicator 5.0.

There are no plans for upgrades; Wife 1.0 was designed to work for a lifetime.

End of response

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